CONTRARY WORDS

Because of my curious nature and occasional reckless daring, I’ve had more than a few times where I cut my hands. One day, I wanted to test how my ego would react to criticism, so I agreed to play a game with a friend who’s very smart and humorous, but their humor is a bit sharp and biting. For example, I sent a photo of some kittens sleeping to them, and they replied that they looked like they were dead. What the heck is this???

For a long time, I took in information in a way where I just saw things as they were. I looked at a comment as just a comment, without taking it personally, and didn’t counterattack, like wondering what they meant by saying that. So, I survived the stormy season without feeling hurt because I didn’t accept myself as the target of those jokes. If I was happy, I laughed; if I wasn’t, I stayed silent.

But over time, that peace turned in a different direction. Even though I didn’t feel hurt because I didn’t see myself as the target, I didn’t feel happy either. My emotions shifted in another direction, something like, “Wait, if you care about me, why are you making jokes like this? Why can’t you say something nicer?” I asked myself, where is this feeling coming from? I want to walk the middle path, but why am I feeling this way? Am I clinging too much to the good, to the bright, that I can’t handle the bad? I puzzled over this for a long time. I even experimented with some sour tomatoes to show my friend that they should be more careful with their jokes. Unfortunately, the tomatoes had pesticide, so nothing came of it. Hik hik.

Then one day, I teased my friend back in the exact same way they teased me. Oh… you should have seen their reaction. They weren’t happy at all. And yet, they had told me not to take it so seriously, that it was just their way of joking.

It took me a long time to realize that those who joke and laugh like that often have a soul that is starved for love and lacks the sensitivity towards the people they care about. I stopped wondering whether that feeling in me came from my ego. Maybe my soul was reminding me that just because I can hear these insensitive words doesn’t mean I should keep accepting them over and over again.

And also, I stopped being friends with that person.

If you want others to accept you as you are, maybe take a moment to check if you’re doing things that even you don’t find endearing.