I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH

This article is part of the series “Love Yourself.”

I don’t know what my family or friends think about me, but looking back at myself, I see that I’ve changed a lot — from someone who used to overthink and dwell on unnecessary things, to someone who chooses to think more simply; from someone who would quietly sit in the crowd, afraid of making mistakes when speaking, to someone who still enjoys sitting quietly in the crowd but is ready to speak when I feel like it. In reality, we are all the same in that we all go through the ups and downs of life, but each person experiences them with varying frequency and intensity. And some states don’t exist alone; they often come with a whole set of other emotions. Therefore, if you are someone who is often stuck in the state of “overthinking, overanalyzing, and thinking about unnecessary things,” you might often feel like “I’m not good enough” — without even realizing it. If that’s the case, this article is for you.

1. COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

I believe there’s nothing wrong with comparing yourself to others. Sometimes, looking at what others are doing or what they have can open up many interesting questions, such as: “What did they do to get where they are today?” “What is it in them that leads them this way?” “Do I really want or not want the experiences they’re having?” “What should I do or not do to be like them / not like them?” When your thoughts go in this direction, it feels like you are reading a book and there are many flashes of light in your mind, with many paths opening up in front of you.

But if you’re not careful, these thoughts can turn against you, making you feel like a weak, unsuccessful, fragile person. At this point, you may experience the following signs:

• You feel very tired and heavy, both mentally and physically, after hours of overthinking.

• You feel like avoiding the person you are comparing yourself to because you feel insignificant, worthless when you’re around them. Avoidance here may involve feelings of shyness, fear of speaking to them, or facing them. You may even feel that you have to compete with them and grab some benefit when you’re with them, fearing that they will easily take it away from you.

• You feel jealous when thinking about them or when someone praises them in front of you. If this person is a family member, or your partner, spouse, or significant other, this feeling may be heightened, and in your agitation, you might deny all the value that person brings to you.

• You easily get angry and have difficulty accepting personal comments about yourself, questions like “Why… about you,” even if these words are simply observations or suggestions gently expressed. You perceive them as criticism, even though the other person is not delivering them with a critical attitude.

• “Guilty as charged” — meaning, when you hear a story that has nothing to do with you, but you feel a shock because you recognize yourself in it. The “shock” feeling is quite interesting because it reflects that you feel guilty or wrong in similar situations you’ve been involved in. =))

• Proving “I Matter” / Seeking external validation: Trying to prove “I Matter” while in the state of “I’m not good enough” often leads to many “consequences” that take a lot of time and energy to resolve. You are often led to do things that are slightly stimulating because this state of excitement temporarily fills the need for external recognition.

2. NOT RECOGNIZING OR BELIEVING IN WHAT YOU HAVE

• A sign of not recognizing what you have is that you see it as very ordinary or trivial, to the point that you forget what you actually have or what has value in your life. If you were to list it, other than material things like degrees, a house, or a car, you might not have much else to mention. Why is that? Because those who are rich in spiritual values rarely fall into this state. But I’ve also met people who can list what they have, neatly as if making a report, but they don’t seem happy, joyful, or grateful for what they possess. Even if you have a lot, you can still feel like you are lacking.

• You might be in an amazing situation, like having the partner of your dreams or the job you’ve always wanted, but still feel unworthy, insecure, or afraid to express yourself because you fear that people will notice your flaws and leave you. Or, you may fear that someone will find someone better, more interesting, and will eventually leave you.

• You find it hard to accept compliments. You’re often in a defensive state, wondering “What’s their agenda when they compliment me?” Sometimes, on the flip side, you might get too excited about the compliment, feeling like you’ve been lifted to the clouds and gone thousands of miles away, as if it’s been a millennium since anyone complimented you like that, and you’ve never felt you deserved such praise.

NOTE: You are very easily triggered by these emotional states when you are in an environment where others behave in a way that stimulates you a lot. However, many times, they aren’t doing anything bad to you, and everything is only playing out in your head.

If you notice that you’re often in this state of mind and react like this, you should start making changes, because it is one of the most destructive things in a person’s life. It all starts from an unstable relationship with yourself, and it will eventually ruin the important things in your life—when it starts to sneak into your intimate, safe circle, such as relationships with your family, your partner, or close friends.

If you realize that you are unconsciously creating such an environment for others, you should change soon—for their sake and yours. There’s a high likelihood that if you step into such an environment created by someone else, you will struggle just as much. ^^