Nurture Love

You can apply the perspective in this article to many types of relationships. In general, the more attention and care you give to someone, the more that relationship will bring you discomfort, bringing up deep-rooted pain from your heart, and requiring the most effort from you. Often, this is true in romantic relationships, because it’s hard for anyone to escape the net of love, hehe; but it can also apply to relationships with parents, children, family, soulmates, and friends.

In these deep relationships, we often mistakenly believe that nurturing love means taking care of them, understanding them, caring about what they think and feel, saying nice words, and pampering them from head to toe, buying them this and that. We often fall into this whirlpool like moths to a flame until one day we lose connection with ourselves, and inside us are filled with conflicting and extremely negative thoughts and emotions. We lose joy and wither like a tree deprived of water. It turns out that nurturing love has to begin with taking care of ourselves so we always have enough sap and blossom, before we give the fruits of our labor to others, because we cannot give what we do not have, and we cannot give much of what we don’t have plenty of.

I’m not yet capable of constantly producing fruit and successfully exporting them, hehe. Occasionally, I still throw out some heavy artillery at both loved ones and strangers when I’m lacking that internal lubrication for energy. So if anyone happens to be hit by one of my bombs, as in, I’m about to burst with energy and have many bombs waiting to explode, I ask for forgiveness a thousand times. Here are some tiny little things I’ve realized while nurturing the love tree within myself.

LOVE, IT TURNS OUT, BEGINS WITH ATTITUDE

The attitude here is the mind and intention. A mind and intention that are not in love are rough, hard, shallow, impatient, and lacking understanding. Even if the person tries to hide it, it still shows up – in words, actions, attitude, and the emotional tone expressed in speech and gestures.

In real love, it’s a humble attitude, a mind and intention of nurturing; like water, sometimes gentle and comforting, sometimes fierce and determined, but always carrying the quality of nurturing, giving, and caring in humility without losing dignity. Perhaps only water can express every shade of something both moving and still, soft yet firm like this. I’m not a man, but I think this applies to all genders because it exists in the sacred, divine essence of all of us. It is life, it is God, it is the divine. In true love, there is no subject or object of love; there is no “I” or “you.” Either there’s no one, or there’s everyone, because there’s no separation.

Whenever, with any thought or feeling that arises in your mind or heart, or any unconscious reaction in your words and actions, you realize that you’ve been pulled away from that attitude, from that mind and intention – understand that at that moment, you’ve been pulled out of love. Quickly return to it and remain there.

Love here is a state of consciousness; it’s not words, it’s not actions. But there are many actions in daily life that naturally lead you to that state. So if you pay attention, you’ll find that state is there when you’re carrying water, chopping wood, eating, sleeping, or even… making love, hehe. For example, it’s when you wholeheartedly take care of a plant, a pet, a child – things that can’t thank you, and usually don’t respond immediately, or might even ignore you as part of their instinct. It’s when you clean your desk at the end of the year or polish old objects, lifting them up and placing them down, lifting and placing, inspecting and focusing, and lifting again. It’s a quiet night, listening to the even breathing of your beloved beside you, feeling deeply moved by life bringing this treasure to me, wishing to accompany and support each other for a long time. If you live too fast, too hastily, you won’t notice these things, hehe. But anyway, it’s a flow of life, always present, patiently enduring through millions of years, countless lifetimes, because it knows that sooner or later, you will recognize it. “Hello, is it me you’re looking for???”

Maybe, the best thing is to recognize this sacred flow within ourselves first, so we have an anchor, a peaceful place to shelter, a place where we are always full, before we rush out in the name of love, only to accidentally throw bombs at others and ourselves. But life is colorful, and sometimes you have to be a kamikaze throwing bombs and becoming a wounded soldier to know where to find shelter. After all, I’ve been a wounded soldier many lifetimes already ^^. Just joking, but throwing too many lives away like that is a bit of a waste. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime journey, so let’s make it grand =))))

THOSE THINGS THAT ARE NOT LOVE

IN TRUE LOVE, THERE IS NO POWER, NO ROLES. EVERYTHING IS WORTHY.

In true love, in sacred life, there are no roles, everything is equal, and everything is a link in the connection of life, which is also life itself. Without insects, there would be no birds. If one person falls, everyone falls. It’s like when a mother hits a child, the mother feels hurt too; there’s no enjoyment in it. But what destroys love craves power, craves roles. So, whenever you start thinking, speaking, or acting in the name of something, then it’s no longer from love:

• “Parents do this for your own good. If you don’t do it, you’re not a good child.”

• “Wives do this for their husbands.”

• “Husbands must be like this for their wives to love them.”

• “If you love me, you have to do this and that to deserve to be my partner.”

Stop it. Without children, there would be no parents. Without husbands, there would be no wives, and vice versa. Over time, this attitude leads to demands, control, judgment, and taking what’s currently present for granted. In relationships, people do things for each other to feel secure, to ensure personal needs, to strengthen the bond, but if it’s done only to get love, it’s not love. In love, everything comes from willingness, from the desire to do things freely. When you love enough, you naturally want to do, and you feel little effort because you’re doing it with joy.

Similarly, whenever you start thinking that you’re looking down on the person you love, offering them your life as though they need you, or if you feel like you’re a burden to their life, having to try hard to make them love you and not leave, these are not states of love. These intentions, over time, will lead to contempt for them, or the belief that you’re a burden to them. Both of these extremes are tiring and create distance between you. True love, on the other hand, brings everything closer, with no distance of geography, age, or status.

IN TRUE LOVE, THERE IS NO PUNISHMENT, NO TEACHING LESSONS

Forgiveness, patience, perseverance, nurturing, and building are the qualities of love. True love can include discipline and firmness when needed, but it’s never harsh or cruel. Sometimes, you may feel dissatisfied with your partner, even hurt to the point where you want to hurt yourself further so they can regret what they did to you; or you might think, “You’ve caused this to me, so this is the price you must pay.” You may want them to endure something so they can realize their mistake, and you might even take pleasure in seeing them suffer. But that’s when we’re nurturing our ego and wrath, not love. Over time, this victim mentality will exhaust everyone involved.

On the contrary, there’s also the mentality of feeling like you deserve recognition or fairness in return. When you’ve done so much for someone, but they not only fail to recognize it but also complain, you’ll feel frustrated, stop doing things, neglect nurturing the love tree. If both sides are in this state, the distance between you will only grow. Therefore, it’s best to express your appreciation when you genuinely recognize the other person’s efforts. Or, sit down together and communicate to understand each other’s needs, aligning what you give and what you need. Allow yourself a moment to rest if you feel tired, but don’t stay bored for too long. Remember that you do things because you want to, because you enjoy it. That is the most sustainable motivation. And since you do things because you want to, don’t keep count of your efforts. Fairness is always relative; just feel that you are doing it because you want to and are happy doing it at this level. If it becomes too much and you no longer enjoy it, then stop. Complaining or punishing each other are seeds of imbalance, and they’ll only grow into a distorted tree.

IN TRUE LOVE, YOU FEEL FULL AND DON’T NEED TO LOOK FOR MORE

In love, if you feel you’ve experienced all the emotions, have all your essential needs met, or if you’ve gone through enough experiences in your younger years to know what you need in a serious relationship, then you’ll rarely be swayed by new temptations, because for you, they’re no longer new. You’ll quickly recognize seductive thoughts or feelings, but you’ll also know what will lead somewhere and what won’t. The feeling of a tiny secret popping up in your head, the thought and action sneaking in, is very tempting and exciting. But if you’ve never done something sneaky and later realized that most of those experiences lead to foolish outcomes, and that it takes a lot of effort to return things to an almost normal state (rarely ever quite the same), then you’ll want to try it. I jokingly say, “If you don’t play in your youth, you’ll regret it when you’re older.” If you want to experience it, go ahead, experience it in things that are less important to your life, so the consequences aren’t as severe.

If you’re in a romantic relationship and still find yourself tempted or craving something else, see it as a sign that some of your needs are unmet. So, either you need to have a serious conversation with your partner about those needs to find balance, or you need to adjust yourself, or you have to accept that another partner may suit you better. The clearer you are about what you want and need in a relationship, the less you’ll feel forced into a mold that doesn’t fit and constantly look elsewhere.

We’re not perfect, and we always like novelty, so anytime, we might see someone better, more attractive, or cooler than our current partner. But realizing that, what you do next depends on your awareness, experience, and the state of your current relationship. It’s written somewhere that the male instinct is to have as many lovers as possible, while the female instinct is to choose the best one. So, if there’s no commitment yet, let your instincts wander a bit until they become a headache, hehe. If you’ve made a commitment, though, learn to accept, feel enough, find joy, and nurture what you already have. Sooner or later, you’ll have to learn to feel enough, because you can’t choose your children. Raising your own children but always comparing them to others will make you tired, hehe.

When you learn to nurture this love tree, it will be beautiful. Love will transform into both love and care. “Those who eat know, those who practice know,” so those who nurture will enjoy the fruits of their labor. They have already become love, become care, so no matter how the relationship turns out, whoever comes or goes, love and care will remain, and everyone will share in it.

In conclusion, the article wants to say that the love tree must first be planted within yourself, in your attitude, your mind, before it shows up in your external actions toward others. Like a habit that needs to be nurtured, pay attention to yourself in your daily life, in your interactions with others, especially with those you love, and when you’re alone. Recognize what within you causes you to be pulled out of the loving state, and nurture new habits to cultivate this love before you have enough inner strength to love others. Whenever you notice signs of imbalance, slow down and recalibrate yourself as soon as possible, or else you’ll create more distance with those you love, and over time, it will break apart.