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REFUGE
Healing the Soul’s Wounds, Building Deep Connection from Within
Everything in life needs a place to rest. This place is not a location or a physical space; it is a state of safety, nurturing, and trust. Just like a bear, after eating through the summer, needs a den to hibernate; or like a seed that must be sheltered in the soil before it can bloom; or a tree that, even though its branches are broken by the wind, still has roots deep in the ground; like a floating water hyacinth that, despite drifting along the river, has its roots anchored in the water’s surface. Space creates what we call a Home, but only love transforms it into a Hearth. A house can never become a hearth without love, safety, listening, and sharing. Two or more separate individuals can never truly connect without these elements.
When I was in school, I had a friend who was not only smart but also talented and charming, so I enjoyed being close to them. But for a while, I didn’t want to be near them anymore, and I couldn’t understand why I felt so pressured. Later, I realized it was because they had never complimented me but often told me what I should do, which was exhausting. After some time, I decided to play with them again, but this time, I let go of the need for compliments. I realized it was better just to enjoy their company without expecting anything in return. That was when I felt so much lighter.
If you’ve ever gone through a rebellious teenage phase, wanting to run away from home, craving a private space where no one can judge or criticize you, that’s when you’re in a “more sensitive state than usual” and living in a house but not feeling it’s a home.
If you’ve gone through a difficult period in a romantic relationship to the point where you’d rather stay at work as long as possible to avoid facing your partner, that relationship no longer provides the safety and warmth you need, and there’s no longer a place to sink your roots into.
If you’ve ever felt the pressure of a boss hovering behind you, scrutinizing your every move, you won’t feel at ease—unless you’re highly focused and don’t care who’s watching. Otherwise, discomfort and the feeling of your superior’s lack of trust in you are common.
I had a young female subject who had just given birth to her first child when her husband passed away suddenly in an absolutely unbelievable way. Both her maternal and paternal families were very caring towards her and the baby but unintentionally put a lot of pressure on her. “You have to make sure your child eats this and that; you must care for your baby; you should think of your in-laws too.” She told me that all she wanted was a few hours of peace and quiet alone, but it felt so hard to achieve.
When you recall your happiest and most meaningful memories, do you know what makes them stand out? Why, with the same people, can some moments with them be so joyful, while others feel sad? Why, with the same recipe, can some meals taste so delicious, while others, though still tasty, don’t evoke the same attachment? Why does Tet in the past feel more joyful than it does now? It’s because what stays with you the longest is the “atmosphere.” Everything we do, if we don’t create an atmosphere that allows us to root ourselves, to find shelter, the connection remains only on a very shallow surface. And we often mistakenly believe that we need a specific person or object to root ourselves to, so we seek out new things instead of focusing on creating the “atmosphere.”
To build this “atmosphere,” each person needs space to breathe, a personal space where they can develop their own awareness and inner strength. It’s like when I decided, “I don’t need you to compliment me anymore. I’ll just enjoy hanging out with you,” then I felt at ease and didn’t feel irritated by the lack of compliments. It’s also important for each person to know how to create a safe and trusting shared space. The sooner you develop this skill, the better, because no one in the world is exactly the same. Similarities bring us closer, but how we handle the differences is what will determine whether we stay close for long.
You can begin building this atmosphere, this shelter, with simple questions or suggestions like these, and make sure to adjust the pronouns accordingly:
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Is this something you truly want?
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Is there anything you need my help with?
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Is there something you want to say to me? Do you want me to listen to you?
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Do you need some time alone?
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I’ll leave you in peace for a bit and check back in later, or you can call me when you need me.
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I need some time alone now. Let’s talk later.
We can go without food, drink, or work for a while and still survive. But without this “shelter,” life becomes too stressful and loses its meaning. I am grateful for everything that has happened, as it has taught me how to live a more beautiful and breathable life.