TRUE LOVE

If we constantly express gratitude toward one another, no wound remains unhealed, no challenge goes unconquered, and no peak remains unreachable!

We had a date on a cold day in Hanoi. She shared that she was feeling unsettled because she wanted to pursue a different way of living, but her partner wasn’t ready. As we talked, I shared with her a question I had asked myself nearly two years ago when the experience of awakening came to me, shaking up countless concepts and definitions I held about life and humanity.

In the cycle of life, we love, hate, and go through all the emotions—joy, anger, affection, and sorrow. We have those love stories that fade, where when the joy ends, we part ways. Then there are love stories full of ups and downs, storms and turmoil, or intense, passionate love filled with jealousy and possessiveness. We also have those moments when we long to love, desire love, but then fear love. We keep switching roles, which is why we end up with phrases like “The one I love doesn’t love me, and the one who loves me, I don’t love,” or “It’s safer to marry someone who loves you than the one you love” ^^. And so, people keep running in circles, going round and round, until one life is over—or perhaps even longer.

It wasn’t until I realized the “divine nature” of life within each of us—that we are love, that we are a complete being, that our true state is one of happiness and peace, always present and not something we need to search for—that I understood how misguided earthly love can be. Love, when clouded by ignorance, becomes unhealthy and causes much suffering.

Now, close your eyes, relax your entire body, and let your face soften. As you relax, letting go of the thoughts that stir your mind, you’ll notice the corners of your mouth gently lifting, your cheeks softening slightly—you’re smiling very softly. Still with your eyes closed, recall a moment when you were with someone you love—perhaps you did nothing but simply watched them, enjoying their presence in that space, and you felt a light, joyful warmth filling your chest. This joy is subtle, enduring, not an overwhelming excitement, much like the lingering sweetness at the back of your throat after sipping a cup of tea. This is living in love, seeing yourself as love, feeling yourself both giving and receiving love. Keep your eyes closed, and now let your mind travel to a more intense moment in a relationship—it could be an argument, a separation, or a betrayal—and you’ll notice your facial muscles tense, your smile fading, and a heavy, invisible weight rising from your stomach, chest, or throat. Sometimes, you may even feel a sharp pain in your chest, or your hands might clench tightly, trying to suppress this thick, uncomfortable atmosphere. These changes happen in an instant. Can you recognize the flow of thoughts in your mind? What thought pushed your state into such intensity? And if you’re patient, when that thought fades away and is replaced by the earlier moment with the person you love, the soft smile and subtle joy will return. The truth is, they never left—they’ve always been there, but the intense thoughts clouded them, making you think they were far away.

Love, when born from ignorance, comes from a sense of lack because we forget—or fail to recognize—that our true nature is love and peace. This is why love can initially feel intense and passionate, almost blinding, only to fade away later, bringing with it responsibilities and burdens. And because it stems from a sense of lack—whether it’s a lack of love, care, attention, recognition, joy, or material needs—we mistakenly believe we need to receive something from the outside to fill what’s missing within us. So, in moments when we are compensated, we feel happy, but as soon as we don’t have the things we once had, anger and resentment start to arise. Those who have experienced many relationships or gone through the ups and downs of marriage understand this very well. Perhaps anyone who has fallen into the cycle of: Lack, seeking someone to fill the void, feeling fulfilled for a while, then feeling lack again, and seeking someone new to fill that void again, will understand best what it’s like to Fear Love. Fear that the sweet moments will be short-lived, fear of not knowing what comes next. And so the cycle continues, endlessly, until we stop and ask ourselves how to break this loop. This reminds me of a saying from a Vietnamese business owner in my friend list—he said, “If you need someone to push you for motivation, you’re not ready to be a CEO.” It’s true: If you need someone to fill the gaps within you, you’re not ready to be the CEO of your own life. All of these resources are already within you.

Life is incredibly diverse. There are cacti in the desert, snow flowers on Mount Mau Son, roses in gardens, and water hyacinths floating on rivers. Nothing is more noble than the other. The cactus knows the scent of the sun, wind, and sandstorms, but doesn’t know the smell of snow. The snow flower may stand proudly on the peak, but it doesn’t know the changing colors of the sky and water like the water hyacinths. These are all the colors of life. Some people prefer the joy of many companions, some seek a soulmate, some value loyalty, others chase after fleeting pleasures. All are valid experiences, even though some may be condemned by societal morality, and some may even be against the law, but the human heart supports them. Everyone has the right to choose one or many experiences in their lifetime. So, what experience would I choose when I know that I am love, that I am happiness, and my true nature lacks nothing, and that longing for compensation clouds the true love within me?

I say this long story so that you understand, in the end, I returned to the question that many people ask: How can I experience this life with true love, so that heaven is here, not far away? How can I have healthy and meaningful relationships in my life? How can I know that this is the place I should hold on to, rather than chasing after “greener grass on the other side”? Specifically, in romantic relationships, how do I know that this is the person I want to commit to, and how can I strive to commit my entire life to this choice, because I want to experience this?

And in the end, I found the answer. It’s a firm answer, but one that feels very familiar because it helps me understand the teachings of the ancients that I would never have grasped without experience. It’s a firm answer because it shatters all the ego-driven desires, including my spiritual ego. It’s a firm answer because it dismantles the notions of twin flames and soulmates in those who are constantly searching for signs of the other person to believe that this connection is more important than other connections. Because the answer doesn’t lie in what the other person has or is, but in me.

It was one night, as I lay asleep, I wandered into a space of profound stillness and peace. In that place, all my worries and fears vanished. My heart was flooded with deep gratitude and appreciation, an overwhelming sense of honor for the presence of that person in my life. GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION FOR THEIR PRESENCE, regardless of age, skin color, nationality, family background, occupation, status, or personality, and regardless of how they treated me. In that moment, filled with gratitude and reverence, my mind became still, no longer obsessing over their strengths, weaknesses, or whether they were a good match for me. My spiritual ego became silent because there was no one here, no one or nothing for me to take responsibility for “healing.” Naturally, I accepted their entire being, as they were in the present, without feeling that I needed to sacrifice or make an effort. I no longer demanded anything from them and no longer wished for them to change in any way. I didn’t see anyone as better than the other; I saw complete equality, yet at the same time, an immense reverence that made me joyfully bow my head. Later, whenever my ego started to stir, I would remember this moment, and I would accept seeing their “ego” poking at mine with amusement =))

At that point, I finally understood the saying, “Spouses should respect each other as if they were strangers” for happiness to last. When we keep honoring and cherishing each other like we did in the beginning, we can build deeper connections, maintain them, and the love that grows from this becomes strong and enduring. I don’t call it affection or duty because these terms are often confused with pity or responsibility. I call it love, along with appreciation, gratitude, understanding, acceptance, tolerance, and most importantly, freedom—because we can live as our true selves.

Reflecting on it, I realize that all the wonderful relationships in my life—whether romantic or not—can transcend space and time. Even if there’s physical distance or separation, they can be rekindled because I am grateful and appreciate their presence in my life, and they, too, feel the same. The closer someone is to me, the more I need to nurture this gratitude and appreciation, and true love will grow and nourish from there. Life is impermanent and dependent on circumstances, but if I initiate a powerful enough intention, I believe I will have the experiences I desire.

I am grateful to the universe for finally answering the question, “What is True Love?” which I’ve asked since I was very young and throughout more than 30 years of living unconsciously, and for the question I asked once again when I realized that my true nature is love. I’m thankful because the answer has always been within me, coming to me through life’s experiences.

I share this with you. You may or may not believe that your true nature is love, that life is beautiful and miraculous; but if you also desire healthy relationships, you may find this post useful to recognize signs for transforming your current relationships or creating new ones, as well as recognizing that all the resources for these changes are already within you. I wish you well.

P.S.: The image accompanying this post is the page from the book Understanding the Heart by Thầy Minh Niệm, which she sent to me this morning. At the same time, I was working on this post because, suddenly, I felt the universe telling me to write. Turns out, the universe was right, hehe ^^.